I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
You Might Also Like
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?