Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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no such thing as a dumb question
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.