sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
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Skills
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs