I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Sometimes I鈥檓 just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I鈥檒l have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He鈥檚 a handsome feller.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it鈥檚 in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I鈥檓 not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 馃槶馃槶馃槶
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 馃槶
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don鈥檛 you take off that big coat? you鈥檙e sweating everywhere
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.