Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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My life in a nutshell
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Cat is stressing him out.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.