BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Effort made
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Time heals everything 🙂
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.