“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
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Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
New tinder profile pic
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed