me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
You Might Also Like
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.