Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.