I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Chicken bread
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?