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LOL!
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?