[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
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Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I used to be married, but I’m better now