Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
When life hands you women, make women laid.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
won’t smith
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]