If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search