Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
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[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.