The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet