Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
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Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.