The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
2022: I can fix it
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this