robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help