[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.