(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.