Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.