This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
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Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Support your local cemetery
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.