Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa