I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
This raises questions
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”