chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
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*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free