No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday