Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
You Might Also Like
“What movie?” 🤔
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I unironically love this joke.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.