When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
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[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
My love language is hissing.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”