Essential viewing in these troubled times.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
When someone trying to leave me
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Can’t. Being lazy.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE