I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
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“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
[eats all your cotton candy]
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day