Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
The cashier just checked me out.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
This made me chuckle cuz mood
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
PLEASE READ
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.