I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah