ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
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anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?