My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
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I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.