lol
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Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.