they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
so this horse walks into a bar
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.