Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.