[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces