[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.