Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
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“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
As the Lord intended
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Word!
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME