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No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Meat Cute
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.