How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
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“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.