At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*