Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do