You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
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i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her