Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
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Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…