[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
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Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*