Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
I put the p in pants.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers