Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
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Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
good work, detective
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP